“When desire arises, it naturally leads to pursuit. In the early stages, the frequency is naturally higher. However, as intimacy and understanding develop, emotional connection can sometimes replace sexual intimacy.”
During my consultations, I am often asked, “What is a normal and reasonable frequency for sexual activity?” This question doesn’t have a standard answer. Many people like to discuss the number of times they engage in sexual activity, but like appetite, sexual desire varies from person to person. Some may have a high sexual need, while others may feel satisfied with just a few daily encounters.
Attempting to derive a formula or quantify sexual activity with a specific frequency is meaningless and lacks objectivity. Sex is not solely a rational matter; it encompasses various emotional aspects that cannot be interpreted or determined by frequency alone. In the beginning stages of a romantic relationship, the focus is on getting to know each other and experiencing a sense of sweetness. Therefore, physical closeness is crucial.
As the relationship becomes more stable and the couple grows in mutual understanding, the psychological aspect also contributes to a sense of belonging. In building intimacy and creating an atmosphere of love, physical touch transitions from a primary focus to a secondary, supportive aspect. In other words, while sexual intimacy remains important in a stable relationship, it is no longer the primary means of strengthening the bond.
For example, in the early stages of a relationship, when there aren’t many topics to discuss, physical contact and sex become the primary focus during moments of alone time. However, as the emotional connection deepens and more topics become available for conversation, the desire that once awaited physical touch in bed gradually transforms into a desire to embrace each other and discuss the ups and downs of life.
From another perspective, this can be seen as a form of verbal lovemaking, which, although different in form, still allows for the exchange of souls and helps in gaining a deeper understanding of each other. Of course, we still have sexual needs and desires.
When we desire it, we naturally pursue it, and sexual intimacy occurs spontaneously rather than setting a predetermined goal and regulating ourselves to achieve it. If sex is predetermined, it becomes too purposeful, and even if the frequency is high, it doesn’t necessarily represent anything significant.
Let’s delve deeper into categorizing love into three stages: the exploratory stage of initial love, the passionate stage of mutual understanding, and the stage of mature love and belonging. We’ll explore why sexual intimacy plays different roles in relationships at each stage.
Stage 1: Exploratory Stage of Initial Love
In the early stages of a relationship, when the understanding of each other is not yet detailed, there may be limited topics to discuss and a physical distance that separates the couple. It’s not easy to see each other’s flaws and a greater sense of tolerance results in an idealized perception of the partner.
During this time, physical touch becomes something both parties eagerly anticipate and actively pursue, as well as an important measure of progress. Even if one party doesn’t consider sexual intimacy a necessity or the couple is not yet fully acquainted, if the right atmosphere arises, sexual activity can still occur quickly.
Stage 2: Passionate Stage of Mutual Understanding
As the relationship heats up, partners may intentionally create more opportunities for private moments together. This is because they understand and cherish each other, willingly devoting themselves to each other’s physical and emotional well-being. The slightest spark of teasing often ignites intense desire, naturally leading to an increase in the frequency of sexual intimacy.
If one partner is more clingy or has a higher level of desire and enjoys exploring various sexual encounters and opportunities, then the frequency of sexual activity will undoubtedly rise. In any case, this is a period where sexual intimacy occurs more frequently.
Stage 3: Stage of Mature Love and Belonging
If the relationship remains stable at this stage, it should evolve into a different realm. The need for large amounts of sexual activity to maintain the relationship diminishes, giving way to shared experiences and facing life’s challenges together.
If the couple can support and understand each other in their daily lives, overcoming difficulties together, they may experience “quiet happiness” and a sense of fulfillment in their relationship. When it comes to sexual intimacy, quality, and satisfaction become more important than frequency. At this point, emotional connection can sometimes replace sexual intimacy, and the frequency of sexual activity becomes less fixed.
Considering everything, it’s evident that as couples spend more time together, the dynamics of sexual intimacy may change to some extent. If they get married or have children, the situation will be even more different.
Ultimately, it’s because of the close bond and deep understanding between partners and the ability to communicate and engage in various activities together that the relationship evolves. Moreover, there may be activities more valuable than sexual intimacy that can be pursued. These changes are normal and represent the growth and evolution of love.
There’s no denying that sex is important, even very important. However, rather than consciously trying to control its frequency, it’s better to focus on nurturing the emotional connection with your partner. After all, a solid foundation in love is built upon two hearts that can communicate with each other. The frequency of sexual activity, or lack thereof, is merely a form of expression.